Ihave a shocking conspiracy theory to reveal to you all today. Now I fearrevealing this on the internet as I may no longer be here within the next fewhours, smuggled away by angry Italian-Americans in sharp, pin-stripe suits and trilbys,who will tie me to a chair, interrogate me and force me to eat platters.Because the truth is I know that the restaurant chain Frankie and Benny’s havebeen bugging me.
Theyare clearly tapping into my conversations. Whilst I’m sharing innocent wordswith my friends and colleagues, a chap called Mario is sat nearby in a van witha satellite dish on top of it, listening into my words and taking evidence.
Howdo I know this? Well it’s the only explanation I have for what I call theFrankie and Benny’s birthday effect.
Ihave never been into a Frankie and Benny’s – and when I say never, I mean never- without half-way through a meal experiencing the familiar conventions of thelights dimming, the background music changing and the dulcet tones of ‘HappyBirthday For You’ breaking out over the speaker system.
Nowyou may not think this is particularly weird; surely somewhere like Frankie andBenny’s is just the perfect place for people of all ages to celebrate theanniversary of their birth and so it is likely always to happen, and it’s justcoincident it’s happened every time and not evidence of a weird conspiracy theory.
ButI disagree. And how do I know? Because of last night.
Havingenjoyed the film ‘Wreck It Ralph’ with two friends we decided to go forsomething to eat in the eighty-minute gap we had before the next film. We choseto eat at Frankie and Benny’s across the Leisure Exchange in Bradford but werealised that they, alongside Pizza Hut and Nandos, were pretty busy. We jokedas we crossed the forecourt about my birthday party theory before entering theestablishment and telling the gentleman on the door about our request for atable for three. He said it would be a twenty minute wait, something we couldnot afford with the next film showing looming over us. As I finished myanecdote about birthdays and realised we should try somewhere else less busy,having literally been only in the building for fifteen seconds of a one-minutevisit, the lights dimmed and the familiar strains of ‘Happy Birthday To You’played out.
Oncemore I had failed to enter the establishment without hearing the tune.
Andif that’s not proof that the restaurant chain is bugging my conversations andwaiting for me to enter their establishment I don’t know what is.
Frankieand Benny’s, I am onto you. The police have been informed! :-p
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